Otter on the Loose: 2011

In one of my Buddhism classes this semester we talked about "having" versus "being"... living with depth instead of grasping superficiality.

Having is something we certainly understand- the striving for THINGS, for material success, for envy producing social position with all its accouterments. We may not approve, but we understand. We all, at some point, want to have.

It's not just objects we want (though our wanting may objectify). We want to have jobs, and significant others, and blogs, and stability, and great sex, and so on.... and we want to be wanted, work hard to make ourselves desirable. For the job market and the dating process we objectify ourselves, aiming to be more valuable so that we can attain what we, in turn, value. Our lives are driven by this grasping desire.

Ick.

"Being" is a more difficult concept. We're not quite sure what that means. At least, I'm not quite sure (I shouldn't speak for everyone else). This is why weekend retreats and enlightenment seeking workshops often don't work- you can't just acquire inner peace, or a greater connection with the rest of the universe, or compassion... You cannot, ultimately, buy spirituality or a true religious experience- adrenaline, yes, and fun times, luxury and knowledge and pretty religious artifacts. Are those really what matter to us?

Capitalism and living deeply are not terribly compatible, and when time is money it's hard to make space in our lives to "be". Time, after all, is something we "have" and are often unwilling to give up. But working on "being", on living deeply, is what I'm here to do.

So how do I go about being more instead of having more? This is what my call is, at some level, about. To serve others as I hope to I need to be more. Not to say I don't also need to acquire more knowledge and experience- that's the easy, if expensive, part. What I need to BE is more difficult. Confident, for example.

Whatever television commercials tell us, you can't buy confidence. Nice clothes, maybe, but I don't want to be a fraud of a minister- I want to be authentic.

Authentic. Honest. Humble. Confident. Empathetic. Wise. Mature. Full of...

Good Karma.

I want to be a good person who helps other people to be good and do good things. I want to create change, and to do that I need to change myself. You know, that whole Gandhi thing about being the change you want to see in the world- as a seminary student I am beginning to understand what that truly means. It isn't about avoiding charges of hypocrisy.

It is about working from a place of authenticity- being true to yourself, after having worked to shape a self one can create good from. It's not about being a saint.

If anything, it's about being in touch with our humanity, knowing the painful parts of ourselves, and keeping a sense of humor about the whole mess of human existence. Self-righteous, pompous, sanctimonious, holier- than- thou condescension is not useful and does absolutely no good to anyone.

I want to be useful.

Not annoying.

All of this is building up to say...

In my heart of hearts what I strive to be most is loving.

Love is what I care most deeply about. What I strive for.

It can't be purchased, or stolen, or collected like vintage kitchen utensils.

We don't fully understand it, we can't control it, and the best way to increase the amount of it in our lives is to give it away.

There are a lot of obvious things I am saying here.

You can't make anyone love you.

And when what you care about is someone else loving you, you're probably worrying more about your ego then romance.

Ahhh romance.

Another thing we want to have.

This is something I question in myself.

Do I want to "be in relationship" or have a relationship? Have a girlfriend or be a partner?

It sounds like semantics, perhaps, but I find myself wincing at the term "my girlfriend", and not just because my significant other is genderqueer. We are dating, which is a verb, we are in a relationship together, which is a condition composed of trust and hope and communication and loyalty and affection. How do I say this simply and honestly without claiming her?

I do not seek to own another human being. Is there another way of saying "this person and I are together" that does not smack of ownership? Of grasping, clinging, ego-driven desire?

Don't get me wrong. There's plenty of healthy human bodily desire here, which I think is groovy and am not in the least bit ashamed of or worried about. Wanting to be with her is something I am totally jazzed about, and the fact that she wants to be with me is way beyond awesome. This is not a statement against sexuality. I am not, nor will I ever be, a nun.