"Lesbian"

I am not a lesbian. Nor am I bisexual or straight. I reject those categories and labels. Mostly.

It would be more accurate to say that I wish I could reject those labels. I wish saying "queer" was as simple and powerful as I believe it can be. A label that's a rejection of labels can be difficult to explain.

More to the point, I struggle with the fact that I wish I was a lesbian. People know what that means, I know what that means, it's a definite category with a definite community. It's a strong place to stand. And even though I use the term queer and believe in that term, I find myself sometimes reassuring people that I'm "really" a lesbian, that saying queer instead is an activist stance. And that's not true. I am not attracted only to women, I just wish I were. I'm much more attracted to women, and not interested in men romantically, but... I'm not a lesbian. I feel this means I'm not a full member of the community, that I'll always be facing bi-phobia, that I have no right to speak up as a queer because I am not a full member of this otherized community.

No wonder so many who can't fit into that category end up pretending to be straight. It's tough and unrewarding, being in this gray area. Maybe that's why I'm so intent on making it a spectrum instead of a binary structure. It's repressive, and hurtful, and it impacts ALL of us. We shouldn't HAVE to be either Lesbian or Straight, or Gay or Straight, or take up the struggle of declaring ourselves Bisexual. Endorsing this binary hurts ALL of us.

And another thing, how obnoxious is it that even I would use phrase "pretending to be straight". Sexuality is fluid, but everyone out of the closet cringes at the idea that it's "just a phrase". I am TERRIFIED of the idea that I might date a man, enter into a male/female relationship, become a "girl" again. I don't want to be a straight woman, and if I was acting out that role in my life how could I be anything else? What a lot of crap!

In being a Queer activist I am fighting for myself, yes. But not only for myself. Here is a thing that is broken, and I will not let that stand.