The whole system of attribution and meaning that we call gender relies on and to a great extent derives from the structuring provided by marriage. Turning men and women into husbands and wives, marriage has designated the ways both sexes act in the world and the reciprocal relation between them. The unmarried as well as the married bear the ideological, ethical, and practical impress of the marital institution, which is difficult or impossible to escape.
I find this argument adds a fascinating frame to the marriage equality debate currently underway in this country. Isn't the framing of this question of gender and marriage the major force behind the debate? If marriage is about a husband who acts as the "family head and economic provider, his wife the dependent partner," then taking gender out of the equation for who can or cannot be married means setting all of our gender roles on their heads. That these roles are always shifting is something that I can understand viewing as a crisis. If what is "right" is that the man goes out and makes money and the woman keeps the hearth fire going, then clearly this is already upset by the amount of career women and house husbands out there. So clinging to the definition of marriage as a public union of man and woman can be seen as a desperate attempt to preserve a "safe" concept of home and family.
"Safe" means knowing who you are and what you're supposed to do with your life- how you're supposed to relate to those you're romantically attracted to and who you're allowed to be romantically attracted to. I could rail at length about how this is a preservation of the patriarchy and a generally sexist system, but at the same time I think it's important to acknowledge that there is some understandable fears involved here. Identity crises are real and terrifying things. NO ONE wants to have their life and their life choices invalidated. Are we saying that those who've chosen to build who they are and how they live around the concept of the "traditional" family are delusional, out of step, or hopelessly bigoted? I can't think of anyone who would agree, yet I wonder if that's how our efforts towards equality might be perceived.
Marriage has come to represent a happy ending- the epitome of happily ever after. A wedding is the golden moment of public approval and personal commitment- the community honoring that a couple is doing something right and two people promising each other "I will be here, you will never be lonely again". Giving queer couples that moment and that happily ever after changes the way everyone must view who they are. It makes marriage about something other than husband and wife- the provider and the dependent in their tidy pattern of life. That it was never actually very tidy is beside the point- it was a dream of tidiness. No one likes having their dreams rent away.
Defining marriage is a tricky thing. Anthropology finally decided on sexual access as the determining factor, but where does that leave our pretty dreams? For us I believe it is a promise and a confirmation, a declaration and a sacred institution. Indeed the term "institution" is thrown about quite a bit. Culturally we mock and uphold it, treasure and struggle and mourn its changing patterns. What does it mean when the divorce rate goes up, when people get married older or younger, when non-married couples build families without that legal designation? There are all sorts of studies about the benefits of marriage, how it makes you live longer and keeps your children happier. I don't think we need studies to see all of the legal benefits of being married- or even the social ones.
What does it mean to be unmarried? To be a bachelor or an old maid or "living in sin"? Does it make a woman a (wait for it)... Lesbian? A bachelor a closeted homosexual (or a sex fiend)? Does it mean a person is too unethical or uncommitted, too weak or unattractive or foolish or immature to handle the proper social role of being married? We've tried to reclaim that status- we strut about the freedom of the single person as we laud the advantages of youth. Yet still our culture understands that being unmarried is being frivolous and not taking life and relationships seriously. It's an automatic (if generally quiet) social stigma. When people choose not to be married they are deliberately stepping outside of the perceived social norm.
So if queer couples are not allowed to wed, they must be socially stigmatized. No matter how it's phrased or conditioned we know that rings true. It's a slap down, a belittlement, and a denial. Ultimately this is not about legal rights or public ceremonies or a preservation of the family. It's about the dream and the the hope of a happy ending. In the words of Harvey Milk, "this is our lives we're fighting for". What's a life without hope? Who wants to live with no chance of social acceptance or personal contentment, with stigma and disgust and condescension?
This is why it's so hugely important that Ellen DeGeneres is a success, that the film DEBs be widely viewed, that pride parades make the news. We are remaking the story, saying that we are not pedophiles and failures and lonely closeted recluses but people with a right to stand up and state who we love. Isn't that what a wedding is all about? Standing up and saying who you love? Isn't that what the queer movement is all about, refusing to be silent? Saying we will not hide, we will not despair, we will reach for hope and happiness and our happily ever after?
In challenging gender within the institution of marriage we are challenging cultural norms and expectations. It can't be denied that this is a scary thing to do. Do we give in to our fears of change? Do we uphold our too-small boxes of identity and inclusion, our narrow ideas of who and what a person can be? Or do we stand on the side of love and diversity and doing what's right even when it's hard? What is right? Doesn't religion say that's love and hope and understanding? Are we willing to believe in that or do we prefer to cling to the story of patriarchal heteronormal life?
I say gender roles are a lot of crap. I say let go of your fear and come stand on the side of love. "You gotta give 'em hope!"
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